“Let them judge you. Let them talk. Let them
What Mel Robbins Taught Me About Control in Schools
“Let them judge you. Let them talk. Let them do what they do. Just… let them.”
— Mel Robbins, Let Them
In her short, impactful book Let Them, Mel Robbins issues a radical challenge; not to take control, but to release it. At first glance, it sounds simple, even passive. But in reality, it’s a deep provocation: stop managing the thoughts, emotions, and behaviours of others. Let them respond how they will. You don’t need to change it – or them.
It’s a philosophy that speaks directly to the personal. But it also applies, sharply, to systems.
Especially schools.
Outdated Culture
Schools have long been built on control.
Behaviour policies, seating charts, sanctions, detentions, ‘zero tolerance;’ all mechanisms that prioritise order over relationship, and compliance over self-regulation.
The fact that we still have roles like “behaviour managers” should make us pause. It suggests that behaviour is something to be enforced, not understood. It also hints at a deeper truth: schools are still operating with ideas of compliance. Systems that were designed to sort, to standardise, and to silence.
And while many school leaders claim to value agency, innovation, and voice — those ideals can’t truly thrive in a structure still governed by coercion.
“Let them…” becomes radical in this context. Not because we abandon responsibility, but because we shift from control to co-regulation. From command to connection.
A Paradigm Shift
To say “let them” is not to step back. It is to step into a different kind of leadership — one based on clarity, boundaries, and respect.
- Let students question authority — and teach them how to do it thoughtfully.
- Let parents express frustration — and listen for what’s underneath it.
- Let colleagues misread you — and trust your own alignment.
- Let teenagers push back — and show them how to channel their voice constructively.
As a parent, leader, and educator, I’ve often found myself caught in the grip of over-explaining, over-justifying, and managing perceptions. But control is exhausting and unsustainable. The more energy we spend managing others, the less we invest in leading ourselves.
What This Means in Practice
In schools, letting them might look like:
- Creating space for emotional regulation instead of punishing dysregulation.
- Teaching nervous system literacy, not just rule-following.
- Holding expectations, while accepting that not everyone will respond the same way.
- Trusting students to repair and reflect and not just to comply.
Final Reflection
What would it look like to build a school culture where we don’t just manage behaviour — we understand it?
Where we don’t react to resistance; we lean into it with curiosity?
Because letting them be, without losing who we are, is the real work.
And it’s the work that changes everything.
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